Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
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DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
just got my engagement photos
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show