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Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.