Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
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I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Spotted in New Orleans.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild