*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
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“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Netflix and awkward silence?
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Home is where your toilet is.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”