Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
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ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.