Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
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Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
More like Kate Missington.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.