It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent