*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
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USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”