I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
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“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Bike for sale
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Very good! 👍😂