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Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.