{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
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*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.