*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
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I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
My warrants are pretty outstanding.