Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
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If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.