Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
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[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
They must have gotten it to go.