Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
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Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…