My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
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[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her