Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
You Might Also Like
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I get distracted pretty eas
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.