“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
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Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.