You can’t outrun your problems…
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My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?