Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
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BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.