If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
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MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Me: how are you
Friday: good
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff