guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
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Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.