*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
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My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.