You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
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[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Think I pulled my liver
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.