*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
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My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”