HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
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My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
moms in horror movies
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
secret recipe
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State