There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
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After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!