Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
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My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
“you changed” bro i was 15
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
when u come home smelling like another dog
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog