[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
You Might Also Like
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
So the ex texted me
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Trains are just sideway elevators.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”