My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
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What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird