*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
You Might Also Like
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”