[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
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Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.