Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
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[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
A double negative is a big no-no.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.