This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
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If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them