therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
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My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else