I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
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Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?