The government even made aliens boring
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*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.