*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
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My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
In Canada they just call them geese
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Donating blood today to make room for more food
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.