I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
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WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Thursday
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.