“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
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They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*