how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
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Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?