“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
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imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Danger is very dangerous
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]