Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
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PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?