4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
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shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year