Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
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i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*