First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
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Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?