“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
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Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
My background check bounced.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.