Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
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do u think theres a butter planet?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Breaking news:
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second