It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
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Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
“HELP WITH CAT”
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.