being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
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The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
WTF
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..